


fairy tale

by harpers_mirror (SapphireBryony)



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Bleak, Gen, Post-Series, just one take on how Eiffel ended up in prison, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireBryony/pseuds/harpers_mirror
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel. And it was all downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fairy tale

Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel. He was completely innocent of everything and was falsely accused. The end.

_ “Eiffel...” _

Okay, fine. Once upon a time there was a man named Doug Eiffel who was an idiot and pissed off the wrong people and maybe that’s how he landed his stupid ass in jail. And maybe he was guilty and maybe he was innocent, not even he knows the difference any more. Either way, he went to jail and then he went to space and then he didn’t die like he was supposed to, the end.

_ “There’s no way that’s everything. That’s not enough to have made you...” _

Ugh,  _ fine _ . Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel who lived to annoy others. After he ran out of people on Earth to annoy, he moved on to outer space where he was equally successful. He died one day when his commander finally snapped and tossed him out an airlock, before relaxing in the peace and quiet. The. End.

_ “Can you please try to take this seriously?” _

Once upon a time -

_ “Stop.” _

**Once** upon a  -

_ “Stop!” _

**Once upon -**

_ “Eiffel! Stop it! Just talk to - ” _

**ONCE UPON A TIME,** there was a man named Doug Eiffel who had everything and threw it all away. He was a worthless idiot then and is a worthless idiot now. He had a kid, because the universe had always had a sick sense of humor when it came to Doug’s life and because he and his one night stand were too wasted to figure out how condoms worked.

Once upon a time, there was a little princess named Annie and she was the light of her father’s life. He fell in love with her the second he saw her. She was the first good thing he’d ever done so of course he destroyed it all.

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch named - well, that’s not important. But she hated Doug and, just like everyone else who knew him, knew he was a worthless loser who could never be a good father, and so she kept his Annie away from him. She hardly ever let him visit or spend time with Annie, ignored his calls, and kept the princess locked away in her tower.

And one day, after years of this sort of treatment from the witch, Doug snapped. The witch had agreed to let him take Annie for the day as a trial, sort of a probation, but she changed her mind at the last minute. Told Doug he couldn’t see his princess.

So Doug did what any noble hero would do: he went out, spent the entire day getting absolutely shitfaced, and then picked up Annie from school, something he was very much not supposed to do. He didn’t have a plan other than to take her away from the witch and keep her for his own and that would have been fine except for the extreme illegality of it all, and the fact that he was very, very drunk.

The princess survived the accident mostly in one piece, a broken arm and some bumps and bruises and lots of tears. Doug didn’t have so much as a scratch on him when he woke up in a prison cell the next day with no memory of how he got there, just a skull-splitting headache and the knowledge that everything was ruined forever.

He knew he was guilty and he _told_ them he was guilty and he wanted them to lock him up and throw away the key because he’d hurt his princess, hurt her and scared her and made her cry. Jail was too good for scum like him and he freely told the other prisoners what he’d done just so they could help remind him day after day that he was a piece of human garbage. And they did.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel who got pulled from his penance to die in space by his evil corporate fairy godfather. At the time, he resented the man. Didn’t he understand Doug was here because he was evil? Because he was trash? Because he'd hurt the one person he should have protected above all else? He had to  _ stay _ here, stay and be punished and it would never be enough, 26 years was a drop in the bucket for the harm he had caused, and if they sent him to space it was like saying he’d served his time and he  _ hadn’t. _

Once upon a time, a man named Doug Eiffel got dragged out of Purgatory and sent to the heavens. It was almost a relief to find Hell there because it was no better than he deserved.

Once upon a time, there was a smart and good and brave woman named Renée Minkowski. She was everything he could never be and everything he admired. And Doug Eiffel knew from the moment he saw her that he’d found his new punishment. As long as he pissed her off, let her think he was shallow and lazy and good for nothing, she would keep yelling at him, keep punishing him, and it was exactly what he deserved.

_ “Eiffel, I...” _

Quiet, the story’s not quite done yet.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel who was supposed to die in space. And he tried, oh boy how he tried, but people kept jumping in and  _ saving  _ him and it got kind of annoying after a while. Didn’t these people realize he was expendable? Not like them. Not like her. But after the last time, the worst time, the time with the frozen lungs and all that jazz, Doug decided he had to live so that he could tell Annie he was sorry one last time. Tell her how much he loved her and how losing her was the worst mistake he’d ever made in a life that had so many to choose from. She deserved to hear it from him.

Once upon a time...

_ “Eiffel, you don’t have to go on. I know -” _

**Once** upon a -

_ “Please, stop, you don’t have to get into this, you don’t have to tell me anything more if you don’t want -” _

**Once upon -**

_ “Stop, Eiffel, please! You -” _

**ONCE UPON A TIME,** there was a man named Doug Eiffel who did not die in space. Instead, he lived just to spite the universe and made it home. And when he arrived, he discovered that his princess was gone. That the witch had taken her and run and changed their names and dropped off the face of the goddamn earth. And even though he looked and looked and looked until he lost what was left of his mind, he couldn’t find her. His princess was gone, locked away in another tower in some far-off land and Doug wished he’d died in space like he was supposed to. He lost Annie and he lost all hope and he lost everything he’d been living and fighting for and so what was the point?

So he tried to give up and do what had been expected of him all along. But he couldn’t even do that right and all he managed to do was hurt more people.

Once...

_ “Eiffel...” _

Once upon a time, there was a man named Doug Eiffel who actually believed there was such thing as a happy ending, and even crazier? He actually believed he was worthy of one. The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I would just like to note that this piece was posted over a month before "Limbo" aired, and any resemblance to canonical events herein are purely coincidental.


End file.
